Despite of the depression that's been plaguing me the past few days, I made myself try to find some legal counsel so I can at least get some information. I found a law office in my area that is familiar with emotional abuse divorce cases, and I called. I spoke to a very nice lady asked some questions, and got some good information. She said they have a free consultation visit, and offered me an appointment. I will go in next week.

I wanted to get some stuff on my new ipod shuffle but it wasn't working and I had no one else tech savvy enough to call. I also missed him badly after MJ died for some bizarre reason. Anyway, he was lovely the first night, and then mean the second so I left.

My husband let me use his car at the beginning of the separation. I just spoke to him and he informed me that he's cancelling my car insurance. He's bringing my car back (with 115,000 miles and no air). Now I have to figure out a way to pay for the car insurance and drive my kids around in July and August heat with no air conditioning. Did I mention that extreme heat brings on migraines with me and he knows this?

My husband is now sending me emails about the dire effects of divorce on children, even grown children, and how we should find counseling for them. Of course, I agree that counseling is a good idea and have spoken to the children about this before. Some of them are already in counseling and others have declined, but I will find someone for our younger two children. I love the way a man who has never had 1 thing to do with our children other than attending sporting events, suddenly has become such a concerned parent. After so many years of his self-serving manipulation and deceit, I cannot help but suspect his motivation.

He keeps calling and e-mailing about taking the kids to dinner on Thursday. So far I haven't responded. What do I tell him? If I plan to go away for the evening, he will most likely show up early in the morning. I'm scared, so scared that I can't think of what to do.

I found this poem. I wrote it just 2 weeks after we were married. Why in the world did I stay?

I will die too.

I still feel the
sting.

(I know it's not
so).

I'm at summer camp, it's
sad that I miss

I met the lawyer today and he explained how this 10 minutes per each side will go. I feel better but I am also a bit scared right now too. My lawyer sent H lawyer and email about the air conditioning not working and having kids with asthma and epilepsy. He then went on to say did she know that he has a warrant out for his arrest? This could be good where he will bolt worried that he is going to get picked up tomorrow. OR he could think it is not real...when it is. OR he could verify it and get VERY angry. If he thinks he has nothing to loose such as not being able to get a job from the warrant, or go back into the military, or realize that he will not get custody with an outstanding warrant issued he might try and hurt me and the kids.

I filed for custody today. I'm not going to let him take the kids on Thursday. If my brother gets the new lock on the door by then, we just won't be here.

The war is just beginning, isn't it? *s

I need to find my strength again. I need to find a way through this.

1 1/2 months into the divorce process and after his initial admission of responsibility and reconciliatory actions, he is moving right back to his old emotionally abusive ways. He started by writing me an email in which he insisted that I have been "brainwashed" by my therapist and the books I have read to think of him as abusive. He declares that although he may fit the criteria laid out in a book on abuse, the book is just propaganda and although he admits to abusive acts against me, he says he is not in fact an abusive person. ( yeah, I don't get it either). So, why my therapist has brainwashed me? ( no clue). In addition, I am "obsessed" with abuse and so I turn everything he does into abuse in my own mind. In fact, he goes on to say , that my "world view is out of control" because of my obsession. He, on the other hand, is suddenly a deeply religious man who knows that God wants us together and that Love will conquer all. He wants us to go to counseling and because I won't, I am not trying to solve our problems for the sake of our children. Somehow I think I always knew that despite what he has done to me over the past 33 years, it would all end up my fault.

Remember how my husband left so angry on Saturday because I wouldn't let him in the house? He's been planning for a while to go to his brother's house (a few states away) on a train. He told me before that he wanted to see the kids in the driveway for a few minutes to say goodbye.

Well, it sort of hit home today that my marriage is really and truly over. I signed a contract to buy an apartment and put down a substantial deposit. Things are slow here so it may be two or three months before I can move in, but the paperwork is in progress and the kids and I know where our home will be.

Well the research I did paid off. Friday we sent subpoena's to two different addresses we suspected were Ashley's. She had disconnected her phone number that we had talked an hour on. I was feeling hopeless that we not were going to find her. Then last night while I was at VBS with the kids she called my phone 3 times. She left me a voice mail asking me if she had to really come to court Wednesday and something about being at another court for her son on the same day. I did not call her back and called the lawyer this morning instead. Since she is my husband's friend from 2004 where he met her at the strip bar as a regular customer, I think it is important she be there. Dear hubby told a different story about meeting her, including time frame etc. If you have read my other posts you will know she is the poor beat up girl who needed diapers in the check out lane. Have to run to doctors for the kids...bbl.

So, spent the whole weekend packing his stuff up - untouched since we seperated officially in March - into boxes and putting it down into the cellar, which I paid someone to empty my stuff from so there would be more room for his. Goal of all of this is to get his junk OUT OF MY SIGHT and take back my space. About 25% the time was devoted to packing and hauling, the rest was devoted to cleaning, rearranging, making the place "mine" again, enjoying the little things like: taking down his big heavy, ugly, cheap mirror cabinent from the bathroom that was too high up for me to see below my chin, and putting up my old mirror, edged with Egyptian hierglyphics, at the right height - I can see my face in the morning again! And it's nice to see a smile on it. :-)

Does anyone have any advice on how to shield myself from the continued barrage of apology then denial and abuse that my husband persists in while he remains in the house during the divorce process?

I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed tonight, weepy. So many unknowns. I wish I could see into the future and know it is going to be okay.

I know I did the right thing. It's just hard.

I wish I had a close friend nearby.

I'm crying again (and again, and again). Here is a bit of beauty for all of us from the lovely Bette Midler. I love singing this song for myself. I am the delicate seed now. The sun will shine again one day. Love and strength to all of you wonderful women. I am so thankful that I have all of you.

he showed up last night after 11 pm! I was asleep on the couch. I instantly came awake to his knocking. I was so not opening that door for him! I quietly got up and went into my daughter's bedroom. But I accidentally woke her up, so i sat rocked her in the rocking chair. I heard him pull open the glass door (even though it was latched) (some protection! that is the 2nd time he's done that! the poor door won't take much more before it doesn't even lock anymore.) he turned on the living room light. by the time he opened the beby's door, my knees were shaking. he just stood there for a few minutes and then came over and touched my hair and petted me like I was his own personal pwaything. then he left out of the room.

He had my daughter call on the way home and ask if they could go to the park. How was I supposed to say no? Then I'd be the bad guy in my kid's eyes. She asked what was for dinner and I told her and she said, "Yummy".

Well the warrant is issued in NC and surrounding states but they will not extradite him back from Indiana!!! I have one last chance and will call my detective on July 1 when she returns and beg her to go back to the DA and ask that they come this far to get him. I doubt it will work but it is worth one more try. I guess when a criminal background check is done it will show that he does have a warrant in NC, GA, VA, SC, and TN. When this comes up in court Wednesday I am going to demand that the OOP stays and that he will hurt me, retaliation for pressing charges. There is also an FBI investigation going on about him using my social security number with his name to get a Paypal account. They are also investigating him for stolen software, stealing job postings from other job boards and posting them as his own and more.