Oh, I did some homework...... I'm sooo excited, cautiously anyhow. I just found this!! I may have hope yet......the catch is....I have to stay where I am.....

WHO THE F*** CARES!!! Right? I can keep my kids completely! [praying still] :)

Okay, now I've been told that I can flee with my children and I will be protected by the police. I almost believe that I can escape safely. Now I am (stupidly) feeling ambivalent. I am ensconced in a very comfy house sitting on a hill with a gorgeous view. It's deadly silent up here at night and the weather is beautiful. Shall I move my kids to an apartment in the city where there is nothing but concrete and traffic?

H is trying the poor me tactic......using the [picture Jerry Lewis] 'huuuuu....hi, how are youuu.......I miss you...' And btw...did I tell you that I call REPEATEDLY before leaving mesaages, like a stalker.....but I wont tell YOU that cause....well, then there might be something wrong with me.

I know I'm being irrational but I'm in a state of panic. I can't find my keys. I feel like I'm going insane.

We fought tonight for the first time since he came back. He found out I got an online job and put 130 dollars into an account with my name only. He thinks it should go into the joint account since his check goes there.

My account does not show this transaction, and my donations in my account say terminated due to suspicious something or other. What did I do wrong?

H wrote me this morning....(below).....AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO REALIZES HE HAS SAID AND PROMISED THIS OVER....AND OVER......AND OVER....?

[below for paranoia reasons]

My thoughts.....
Oh....so I wasn't 'deserving' of your love before? What about the kids? And you want to make it easier for me while your away? Oh, how generous. Yes, and I can be extra sure you will rectify that when you come back. Because me and the kids certainly know that YOUR promises ALWAYS mean.......'Limited Time Offer'

Had a roller-coaster day. Had lunch with a co-worker today and got to talking about, you guessed it, husbands. I started telling her how my H is, but not in huge detail, but that I would really like to leave this place so that I have some control over my own life again. Then she told me a story about her friend who is living in the city where I work, the friend is not a citizen and her husband is American. He has been physically abusive to the point that the police were called several times. They've been going through the divorce process already two years. He had to leave the apartment and she stayed and kept the kids, who are 10 and, I think, 5 years old. Anyway, he showed up in court with some documents about his character and the fact that he is a great father (?) and she is a bad mother and the government took her kids away!!! They are in a shelter, without her, and she can only talk to them on the phone once a day, in the language of this country, not her own. After I heard that, I lost all courage to leave. I would die if that happened to me and my kids.

Hey beautiful ladies...

I feel like i'm really falling apart. I can't study - I'm doing a bachelor of pharmacy which i have only JUST returned to being financially and emotionally capable of after separating living arrangements from "him" - and my school work is... not happeneing. I'm sleeping a LOT more than usual, but at night i can never get to bed early, i'm always up late...

Here is the list that I wrote down when I was on the train to the lawyer's office. Does anyone think that this is enough to file for divorce over?

-Disregard for my personal/physical well-being

I think I've just hit the 'overwhelm' wall. I'm scared to even chance losing my kids, even for supervised......nerves......

I came home from the meeting last night feeling really contemplative. The H had gotten back from his trip...I haven't really seen him but for a day or two in the last month. When I got to bed, he asked me if I missed him. I dodged and told him that I think I'm numb to missing him.

I went to my counselor today. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a fickle fruit loop. He believes things will cycle around again. He cautioned me to be very strong and "get bitchy" if I need to. He said my being strong and fighting back would just put me at baseline, that I'd still be nowhere near a "normal" woman. I can do this, right?

Maybe it’s over. Maybe the anger and the nothing fights are done. Maybe it was just a wall that I had to break through, some sort of test. Could that be it? Because he is as loving as ever, free hugs and kisses… no withholding any emotion.

Are my donations on my credit card kept private? So that my H cannot track where it goes to?

I got an email today from you know who and it was about adding me to his contacts on Answers@yahoo. I didn't understand how he even knew I had ever gotten on there....so I tried something and all of you should too.

One of the largest things my husband controlled was finances. He put my name on the checking account and had a debit card made for me recently. Since coming home, he wrote me a check for 500 dollars for me to deposit in a checking account with my name only. He has promised one more check. Today he put our trailer in my name and my car also. It seems like he's really trying.

iIwent to a S-Anon meeting tonight and it was like watching a bunch of women play the tapes of my life. OMG. I no longer have any doubt that the H is a sex addict and NOTHING will change for the better unless he gets tons of treatment and works like a bat out of Hell, which isn't going to happen.

I'm tired tonight, but I wanted to tell about my latest contact. I spoke with my doctor today. I've known him two years. I told him what's happening, that I've just realized (it sounds so stupid) that my H is abusive. I told him a few things and showed him my list of complaints against H (not posted here yet!). He said, 'He's a baby. He's jealous of you and your intelligence and accomplishments. He's trying to minimize those to make himself look bigger. He has an inferiority complex. He's the one who needs help.' And he totally agreed that I have to get out. He said that he'll call an American friend of his that's a lawyer and suggested that I might be able to take the kids to the country where I work (across the border from where we live) and disappear until a legal solution is found (divorce is final). I was feeling pretty hopeful all the way home, but now I'm not sure what to think about such a radical plan. The point is that I would be an American in court in a country which is not my husband's--I would have the upper hand. If I go to court in his country, he will have the advantage. It's not an insignificant detail.